Am I detached?
After discussing the many times I’ve moved, I was asked the question, “How do you handle not constantly getting attached to people?”
I immediately jumped to defense and thought who said I don’t??? But as I pondered on the question it wasn’t an unrealistic ask…
So after going through my explanation and validations of how I’m not detached but rather extremely intentional about the time I spend with LDF & family. I thought to myself is this what makes people hesitant to move? What’s even more perplexing is… is this what I attract? I have friends all over the world because, at one point or another, we all decided we wanted to explore more than our hometowns or a few cities over. And that’s not to say people who choose to stay home don’t want to explore or don’t want to move. It’s just that in my experience those who want to do it, in fear, with or without plans, and always seem to land.
Some people will say we’re lucky or ballsy.
Others will say we’re crazy or impulsive.
Some may even say fearless but to that, I will always challenge.
That’s not what this is about though, it is, but not. Over the years of moving, I’ve learned some things that I think anyone transitioning to a new place can use. Maybe not, but at least you’ll know the feelings you are experiencing are not unique, in the sense that many of us have been there and survived. I will also preface that not every move I made was right or worked out for me but that’s the beauty of it. That’s where you learn grit, who you are, and what you value.
Anyway, let’s get into some things I’ve experienced and how I overcame them.
Lesson #1 from Move 1: Fight for yourself
My first move to college. Many may say does that count? But I moved to a new state where I had no family and knew no one so I count it. On top of being in school, only 18 years old, trying to figure out my identity.
So what did this teach me? A whole lot.
I vividly remember the first or second night after my parents left and I realized I was alone… minus the roommate who was 5 feet away (shout out to Jada, and our ever-evolving friendship). She asked me if I wanted to go to this event and I was crippled with anxiety and homesickness that I nicely and stoically declined. I then stayed in my room and cried in the shower.
Accurate visual of me in my COMMUNAL shower stifling the tears
I mean this in the kindest most supportive way, you will cry (a lot if you’re like me) when you move alone. It is okay it’s your body’s response to stress.
But what did I learn? After many nights researching if I should transfer, desperately wanting to be somewhere familiar, I decided to get out of the dorm, meet people, and spend as little time alone and sad as possible. Way easier said than done I know but the thing about moving on your own and embarking on your new journey is you are the most responsible person for changing your circumstances. And this doesn’t change no matter how much you move. Whether it’s starting therapy, going to the gym or pool, or simply talking to the person making your food at the cafe, you are in control of your connections.
Lesson #2 from Move 2: It’s okay not to be okay
It’s a cliche I know but it’s so true. After graduating college my best friend and I had the bright idea to move to Atlanta. In 2021 at that, technically post-pandemic but not really. In hindsight it was needed and important to do this move for many reasons. This was my hardest move yet for different reasons. I had trouble getting and a job, grad school didn’t work out, and I couldn’t seem to get my footing. I think a lot of times people see you move and decide you’re living your best life. Well quite the opposite, you have very high highs and low lows. But I was determined not to give up. I decided to make a plan. I was going to apply to grad school again and move back home. Moving home is NOT giving up. It’s not failing.
Many people think this decision came because I was moving to North Carolina but honestly, at the time I decided to move home, I couldn’t figure out how to be successful and happy in Atlanta. Life was happening, I was in grief following my grandma’s passing, and that first-year post-grad is HARD. So I decided to go home and be somewhere comfortable and warm. After making this decision, hope came alive, I was accepted to grad school and had an expiration date on my time back home.
It’s okay to reset, it’s okay for plans to fail, and it’s okay to simply not be okay and not like where you are.
Lesson #3 from Move 3: Be intentional
My final move (as of now) has been to North Carolina. Something about living in NC has always intrigued me so I was excited. A new school, new job, new experiences, still crying. Moving to NC felt different. More permanent. A lot bigger for many reasons. I was all alone again, with no family, and no friends. I was in school again and there was no pandemic in sight (thank God).
I quickly made friends contrary to my previous experiences but again, I had done this twice. I knew what I was doing, I was confident in what to do and what not to do. I LOVE my NC friends, they brought comfort and familiarity to a place that was completely foreign to me. Shockingly or not so shockingly, we were all transplants, one from across the country. That doesn’t negate how I miss my family and other friends though.
When you move it can often feel like everyone’s life is moving on without you but that’s anxiety and fear talking. Your life is also moving on. Sometimes very differently than those at home. That’s okay. There is no shame in choosing to live a different life, remove that self-guilt.
This is a tangent but it should be said… You are not wrong for choosing to move and live a different life than those around you or in your family. You are meant to live YOUR life, respectfully they had their time or chance or whatever. Do what makes you fulfilled.
Back to our scheduled programming…
When you do see your family be intentional, when I go home I dedicate my time no longer to going to bars and going out and never being home (like I did in college when I went home). Instead, I spend quality time with my family (if your family likes bars and going out you got a 2 for 1). I always make sure to see my nieces, nephews, and cousins who are growing up quicker than it may seem from far away.
I also intentionally spend time with my friends, my college friends & newest addition, they all live in different states. My best friend is actually in a different country. So we make it our responsibility to talk on the phone on FaceTime at least once a week. We choose Wednesdays for wine but some weeks call for a tequila Tuesday. As far away as we are from each other physically; Emotionally we’re closer than ever. It can be hard to coordinate trips, flights, and vacations but we try. However, talking every week and texting just about every day is free. All it costs is your time but what you spend in time you get so much more in friendship and sisterhood.
So this very long blog to say, no I’m detached. No moving hasn’t made me cold. It doesn’t have to make you cold. What it’s done is shown me my most important values. It’s allowed me space to become my own person. And most importantly it’s taught me life lessons in the most beautiful ways through exploration of new people and places. And I can only hope it does the same for you and more.
So if you’re afraid to move, good. It means something to you. Nothing worth having is easy, that goes for emotions too. Know that it doesn’t matter how many times you move, continue to search for your heart’s desire. Trust your gut. Life is meant to be explored.
Drop below in the comments what you wish you knew before moving.